10. Shanikai August Moon

10. Shanikai August Moon. Last week when I was in Seattle, my sister Erin and her son, Shanikai came to visit me. After dinner, when we talked about what we were doing next, I ended up saying, "Well, I had thought of Shanikai staying here with me like the old days, but then I realized he probably wouldn't want to stay over night with just me - no "Uncle" and nothing to really do....."Shanikai didn't miss a beat. "I wanna stay. Mom, can I?" We worked it out, and he stayed while his mom when back to the island. We cuddled up on the couch and figured out his new iphone and just talked about life. I told him about this project I was doing for my 50th birthday and he asked me, "Will I be on it?" I really hadn't thought of Shanikai, I have lots of nieces and nephews and I was pretty clear that this was not a list of people I love - that list would be endless - but instead, people (or as it turns out, beings, things, experiences) who had really changed my life, who had modeled something for me, or made me make a change in my life that I otherwise may not have made. People who had really formed my being. But as I thought more about it, and especially the next morning, when, at almost 13 years old, we cuddled in bed together, watching silly youtube videos on a Saturday morning, side by side as we have for more than ten years, I realized that in fact, Shanikai has changed my life and shaped who I am.See, I was never that person who really thought about having kids. It wasn't something I thought of when I was younger, it wasn't something I thought of when I was getting older, and it wasn't something I thought of, even when I first married Sasha. But when Sasha and I got married, Shanikai was just under 4, and shortly after that, he began spending the night, and then the weekend, with us quite regularly. It was being with him, and seeing my sister in him, and watching him so closely as he was growing up that made me realize I really, really wanted a child of my own. I don't think I would have tried so hard, or wanted it so badly, if I had not had Shanikai in my life.Sasha and I spent the next two years trying to have children - it was intense and scary and difficult, and in the end, not fruitful. But we still had Shanikai. He gave us so much, he gives us so much, in a way that none of my other interactions with all the children I adore could ever give me. I shared so many of the life lessons that Shanikai gave me with my Samarya students that they all had a sense of him too, as if he were my own. "Let's just be here." Or "dropping the cookie." Or one of my favorites, when he had moved from sleeping in our bed, to sleeping next to our bed, to sleeping across the room, to going to bed by himself upstairs, one night he kept stalling to sleep and calling us upstairs. He finally said, "Aunt Molly, I keep being afraid that werewolves will come up through the floor and get me. But I also know that werewolves aren't real. But I'm still scared."Lord, I know what that feels like.Of all the things I miss in Seattle, Shanikai is the number one thing. He has taught me so much about how I would have parented, how Sasha and I would have parented together. He has given Sasha and me so many opportunities to grow in our own relationship and, bereft of the experience of having our own children, Shanikai has given us the closest sense of being parents that we will ever have. We cuddled then and we cuddle now. We have inside jokes and things we say and do together, routines and rituals, and are always easy and comfortable together.(Dude, what's up? Aguacate!)Last year at Christmas, with the whole family together, there was one evening when we were all out back playing ping pong at my sister Patty's house. At one point Shanikai, who is taller than me and going to be a teenager this August, backed up to me and sat down on my lap. I put my arms around him and he just stayed there for what seemed like hours. My legs were falling asleep and his bony butt was crushing my thighs, but I knew I would never let him go, I wouldn't move until he did.Shanikai August Moon, thank you for reminding me what an important part of my life you are, and indeed the impact you have had on me and my own sense of self. I have always, always got your back. (You little dum dum. : )Thank you for you, my beloved Shanman. You are one of a kind, you light up my life, and I can't wait to see what you become. Whatever it is, I support you, 108 percent.