24. The Grateful Dead
24. The Grateful Dead.If my words did glow with the gold of sunshineAnd my tunes were played on the harp unstrung,Would you hear my voice come through the music?Would you hold it near as it were your own?I knew I would have to include the Grateful Dead on this list, even though I have hardly listened to them in years. Decades even. But that actually makes sense in a way.See, I don't know if I was that into the Dead's music. I mean, I really loved it, but for me the music was so attached to the scene, to the culture of the shows, that I think that is what I loved most about the music - the fact that it always evoked a certain sense of a greater whole, not unlike the way certain chants - the hanuman chalisa, the atma shatakam, the ashtanga yoga mantra - all connect me with a larger community, with a sangha. When I listen to the music now, which would be a rare thing, I still know all the words and it brings me back to an important time in my life.It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken,Perhaps they're better left unsung.I don't know, don't really careLet there be songs to fill the air.I feel like I was weird socially all through high school and college. I guess I still feel like I'm weird socially but now it doesn't really worry me much. Maybe I wasn't even that weird and I just felt weird on the inside. I was very insecure and really wanted to fit in with certain groups of kids in high school but never quite managed. I had lots of good friends, and we had a blast for sure, but I was one of those kids who really wanted to hang out with the "cool" kids, not seeing that I already was.While going off to college certainly changed the dynamic, I was still me, and so still brought some of that feeling of unwantedness with me, always feeling unsure about my place within a group.Ripple in still water,When there is no pebble tossed,Nor wind to blow.One thing that brought me through that transition was my Dead cred. Whether in high school or college, although I wasn't one of the total deadheads, the total hard core hippie Dead followers, I was pretty into it, especially going to shows. By the time I moved out west I had seen the Dead over 50 times. Going to those shows was one of the only places where I felt like it didn't matter who I was, or if I was cool, or if I was a part of the group - I was a part of the group just by virtue of being there. I knew the songs, I knew the scene and I could be myself. I have so many funny and crazy memories in all of those various shows, the people I met and the adventures I had, with Joanna as my main coconspirator in those days.Reach out your hand if your cup be empty,If your cup is full may it be again,Let it be known there is a fountain,That was not made by the hands of men.Outside of shows my taste in music was really varied, much as my spiritual practice is now. In spiritual life, as with my experience with the Grateful Dead, there is the continuity of the symbols, the music, and the rituals that both grounds me and opens me to a feeling of confidence and belonging. When I experience that, I am much more open to my own creative expression.Ripple in still water,When there is no pebble tossed,Nor wind to blow.I am so grateful to the Grateful Dead for giving me that experience, for allowing that feeling of belonging to ripple out into my life. They absolutely influenced me in my spiritual growth and introduced me to the feeling of satsang, although I wouldn't have recognized it at the time.I know now the powerful sense of inclusion that comes with kinship, and I believe that feeling of invitation and being honored is one of the most healing and transformative experiences we can give to each other. And to ourselves.You, who choose to lead, must followBut if you fall you fall alone.If you should stand then who's to guide you?If I knew the way I would take you home.