Prana, life force, and forgiveness ~ The Unexpected Power of the Prana Vayus

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~ Gandhi

 I like to think of my home as always being open to family. I imagine it being a place where my brothers and sisters and all their kids always feel welcome, safe, and valued and where they can just be themselves in all of the joy, complexity, and chaos that family so often brings. In reality, my family is very far flung and I can go for months without even speaking to some of them. Sometimes, then, I can also romanticize the reunion and picture a scenario that runs quite a bit more smoothly than is actually likely to happen.This was the case a couple of years ago when one of my brothers came to visit, on fairly short notice, bringing his three kids with him who ranged in age from five years old to their late twenties. I had not seen this brother since my wedding four years previously. We have ebbed and flowed in our closeness, often being disconnected by different views and relationships with the rest of the family. I was elated that he was finally making it out to Seattle, by way of the Rainbow Gathering, and that I was going to meet his five-year-old daughter, my niece, for the first time. It turned out that our visit was wonderful. On one particular evening, we sat on my bed and spent hours talking. I asked him what had prompted what felt to me like a change of heart in his relationship to the rest of the family. That simple question opened the floodgates for a deluge of stories, emotions, and meticulously painted pictures to flow from his unique perspective. At times, I found myself wanting to jump in, to hurry past some of the details I thought were extraneous, or to question a side of the story, or to justify some action. But I didn’t. I just listened, with my heart and ears and mind open. This was a story that needed to be told, a perspective that needed to be heard, and a heart that longed for connection. I felt humbled and honored to hold that space for my brother, a space that ultimately was contained in a story of forgiveness. When we hugged that night before bed, I felt the power of forgiveness pass through and between us. Forgiveness, I believe, has the power to heal all wounds.Marianne Williamson has said, “The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” I believe she is right. And yet, the practice of forgiveness is just that—a practice. We have all been in situations where we have found it difficult, even seemingly impossible, to forgive.I have a very large, extended, multiracial, multinational, multidimensional family, a family that I sometimes refer to as a “tribe.” Like a tribe, we are connected for life and, it seems to me, that we tend to live by an unspoken code wherein we know, no matter how distant or frustrated or angry or removed we become, due to whatever life circumstances, that we will ultimately be supported by, welcomed (back) into, and protected by the tribe. In fact, when looking up the word “tribe” to find out what some common elements might be in the different definitions and if my family shared them, I kept coming across these elements, expressed in slightly different ways: a common focus, fairness and trust, open communication and acceptance of one another, complementary strengths, generosity of heart, and forgiveness.It was interesting to me to see the word “forgiveness” as one of the common elements. Indeed, my brother and I had just been talking about the power and challenges of forgiveness, its capacity for total healing, and its often-elusive nature. In fact, the absence of forgiveness can destroy the feeling and function of the tribe and the feeling and function of connectedness in general. But forgiveness isn’t easy. It’s not for the faint of heart or the shaky ego. It requires great strength and inner determination, primarily the determination to live a life of contentment and ease. Even culturally, we don’t necessarily value forgiveness. People who forgive may be confused with people who give up or give in. People who hold on to grievances may feel and be perceived as one who “doesn’t let anyone mess with them.”My family, in general, is a family of talkers. Many of us, including the younger generation, share quite freely with one another, often sharing perspectives and opinions, hurts and injustices, feelings of gratitude, and feelings of connection, as well as feelings of disconnection. It wasn’t just my brother and I who ended up talking about the power and complexity of forgiveness that summer. Somehow it managed to come up in all the various constellations of family that came to visit, whether it was in relation to parents, siblings, friends, school mates, culture, or self. I began to feel that forgiveness was the key word of the summer. Summer 2011: The Forgiveness Tour. The teenagers in the family talked about different situations with their own families and friends, and expressed not only the need for forgiveness but also the capacity to forgive. Even Vika, my five-year-old niece, one day leaned forward from her car seat in the back of the car and expressed a wrong she had committed. She said, “I’m guilty”—unusual words coming from the mouth of such a little person, but expressing that basic human need for forgiveness. In another conversation, one of my nieces said to me, “People make all kinds of mistakes, but in some way, in that moment, they thought they were doing the right thing.” Yet another teenaged niece, after a perceived injustice perpetrated on her Facebook page by a “best friend,” said, “No matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in awhile and you must forgive them for that.”In my family life, there have been many, many opportunities for forgiveness—of myself, of my parents, of my brothers and sisters, of my life circumstances and experiences. The opportunities become immeasurable when I include forgiveness of and by my closest circle of friends—my chosen “family,” my secondary tribe in the absence of my family of origin.Thinking of these countless opportunities for forgiveness, I wish I could say they had all been taken, but sadly, and inevitably, they were not. The gift, I suppose, in this, is to be able to see in plain view the difference between forgiving and holding on.In an email conversation with one of my nieces, she asked me, “Here’s a question. Is there ever a time where you shouldn't forgive someone? Sometimes for me especially it is really hard to forgive people…especially family. And even if I forgive them, it still lingers in the back of my mind when I'm with them.”My response was simply to say, “Are there times when we shouldn't forgive? Not if we want to be at peace. But it's really, really hard, right? Sometimes the thing the person did is so huge that it seems unforgivable.”I think this is a common question when considering forgiveness. Are there instances in which we are justified in never forgiving someone? This depends on what we consider forgiveness to be, and what we hope for our own lives and sense of peace and freedom.In my looking around for thoughts and quotes on forgiveness, I came across this powerful list from R. T. Kendall, the Christian writer and author of the book Total Forgiveness.

Total forgiveness is not:

1. Approval of what they did.
2. Excusing what they did.
3. Justifying what they did.
4. Pardoning what they did.
5. Reconciliation.
6. Denying what they did.
7. Blindness to what happened.
8. Forgetting.
9. Refusing to take the wrong seriously.
10. Pretending we are not hurt.

Total forgiveness is:

1. Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them.
2. Choosing to keep no record of wrongs.
3. Refusing to punish.
4. Not telling what they did.
5. Being Merciful.
6. Graciousness.
7. An inner condition—total forgiveness must take place in the heart or it is worthless.
8. The absence of bitterness.
9. Forgiving God—all bitterness is ultimately traceable to a resentment of God.
10. Forgiving ourselves.

This list is so beautiful to me, such a precious accounting of the qualities of the truly open heart. And yet, it also seems almost unreachable in its expansiveness. How do we get there? How can we be gracious and merciful when we feel hurt, let down, betrayed? How do we relinquish bitterness when we have righteous anger, oftentimes rooted so deeply through our earliest experiences with family? I think again about my brother, his epiphany and ultimately his freedom, when he was able to forgive our family. It’s not that there is so much to forgive in our family specifically -- or I should say, I guess not too much more than any other family -- it’s just that families are complicated and challenging, and forgiveness is complicated and challenging, and it seems that where there is family, there is opportunity for forgiveness. Families, it seems, are full of opportunities to practice forgiveness.But how do we practice forgiveness? What practices will help us? It has to be a focus. It has to be a desire. It has to be a dedicated practice that emanates directly from our hearts, where the healing occurs because of our own choice to be different, to live in contentment and not anger, to steady the fluctuations of our mind and to find rest and refuge in the heart. Forgiveness requires depth, courage, and strength. Mahatma Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” But how do we get there? Surely a spiritual practice in some form is required, but what might we use specifically from the practices and principles of yoga that would give us some direction, something substantive to work with?In thinking about this, the prana vayus come to mind as one possible focus. The vayus are described in the yoga tradition as movements, or functions, of prana, or life force. There are generally considered to be five prana vayus, each with different and specific physical, physiological, and psycho-emotional attributes associated with it. They each govern different areas of the body, and through the innate intelligence of prana, the vayus seek to find balance. Harmony between the vayus invites maximum health and wellbeing on all levels.In a workshop with one of my teachers, Yogarupa Rod Stryker, I was especially touched by his description of specific psycho-spiritual attributes related to each of the prana vayus and found myself thinking about them over and over with regard to my life and my own wellbeing. I kept thinking about one in particular, apana vayu, which my teacher described as necessary for surrender, for letting go, and for forgiveness. As I began to think about them more in this way, I started to consider how all of the prana vayus might support, encourage, and allow for forgiveness in their own way. Forgiveness, as I said earlier, is not an easy thing to achieve. We all know that. So can we build up our capacity for forgiveness through our yoga practice? I believe we can, and I believe the prana vayus could be a key element.Since I started by talking about apana, let me tell more about this one and move on from there.Apana is a downward- and outward-moving force, the force of elimination at all levels. It is located at the pelvic floor and is related to all of the physical eliminating in our bodies. Apana is also the force behind surrender, acceptance, and letting go, including the ability to eliminate negative thoughts and feelings. Hence, a healthy apana prana vayu is the cornerstone of forgiveness.Prana (which refers to both the umbrella term prana and the specific term for this vayu) is located in the heart and the head. It is an inward-moving force with the main function of energizing and revitalizing. I remember Scott Blossom often talking about “packing in the prana,” asking us to think of packing prana into every cell of the body for maximum vitality. I think of this now, specifically for prana vayu. This prana rules the inhale breath and is responsible for screening and filtering sensory information. We know we are depleted of prana vayu when we feel that we just “can’t take any more in.” With regard to forgiveness, we might intuit that a feeling of fullness of life force, a feeling of strength and vitality, and a feeling of being able to filter our emotions and what comes in through our senses might prepare us for the hard work of forgiving.Udana is located in the throat and is an upward-moving force. It is related to the enthusiasm and inspiration to grow and evolve. When udana is strong, we feel motivated to grow and change physically, mentally, and spiritually. Upana rules the exhale breath, as it is the upward expression, the release, of the diaphragm that produces the exhale. The exhale breath is the breath of speech and verbal expression. Healthy udana allows us to communicate clearly and to express our longing for change and growth. We can think of this desire and inspiration to evolve as a necessary component of forgiveness—true forgiveness can feel like a big exhalation, a great sense of relief when we evolve from what we are to what we are becoming, a letting go and moving on.Vyana is the distributing and integrating force. It is centered in the heart and moves outward in all directions. Physiologically, vyana is the force of circulation and expansion. Emotionally, vyana is related to our ability to be responsive and adaptable. It invites us to stretch ourselves, to become light, to be amenable to changes in our environment. Clearly, forgiveness requires heart-centeredness, but it also is the gift of forgiveness that allows us to have a feeling of freedom and lightness and to adapt our hearts and minds to a new way of thinking about ourselves and about each other. When we can see both ourselves and others in a more expansive light, we are more easily able to forgive.Finally, there is samana, the balancing, or equalizing, force. This vayu is centered in the abdomen and is related to digestion and assimilation on both the physical and mental levels. Samana’s power to balance our bodies and minds is related to homeostasis, the body’s tendency to seek and maintain a condition of equilibrium within its internal environment, even when faced with external changes. We can imagine that forgiveness would have to come from this balanced state, but would also encourage it. We can maintain a sense of peace within ourselves and with our environment when we are willing to let go and be unaffected by things outside of ourselves, including our real and perceived hurts and wounds.It might be helpful to remind ourselves just how difficult forgiveness is, perhaps how little practice we have had with it, and how culturally under-celebrated it is. My niece said to me, after reading RT Kendall’s list of total forgiveness, “When you forgive someone, should you let them know that you have not forgotten what they have done?” Another great and important question from a thirteen year old, and one I think many of us share. Again, my response comes from my practice, “Forgiveness is inside you. It doesn't even matter if the other person knows or doesn't. I think you (we) should process our very real hurt and then choose to move on with our own lives and find our own happiness. If the hurt is not too much to bear, we can look at how we might understand the other person's actions and realize that maybe, just maybe, we would have done the same thing in the same situation. Or we could think about how a person made a horrible judgment at one time, but is still a good person. But if the hurt is too strong, or the situation is dangerous, then we can forgive a person but not have them in our lives at all. That is important too.”My beloved niece responded, “I really get what you’re saying, especially because I have a real hard time forgiving people.”I think we all have a “real hard time forgiving people,” but we can practice and get better. We can start by forgiving smaller things and work up to bigger ones. In the end, forgiveness is for ourselves. If we go back to one of the most basic definitions of yoga, “Yoga is the stilling of the fluctuations of the mind,” we can see that an inability, or an unwillingness, to forgive is a serious fluctuation and distraction of the mind. It becomes a source of held anger and resentment, and it muddies the waters of our heart, mind, and consciousness. If our goal in yoga is to “rest in our own true nature,” then this holding on becomes an impediment to that resting and an impediment to that sense of freedom and contentment that yoga describes as our birthright.Yoga is a practice. Forgiveness is a practice. Yoga is freedom and forgiveness, too, is freedom.

Mark Twain said, “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”

In other words, forgiveness is a gift we can give to the person who caused the hurt, but it is also a gift that we can give to ourselves in our pursuit of yoga -- a deep sense of freedom and peace. The prana vayus can be a powerful tool for us to cultivate our capacity for forgiveness, and forgiveness can be a powerful tool for us to cultivate the prana vayus. Consider the influence of the prana vayus on your practice, on your life, and on your greater pursuit of yoga. What a relief to simply rest in your own true nature, one with the great capacity to forgive.We are all in this together.“People are more than the worst thing they have ever done in their lives” ~ Helen Prejean