46. Kat Carlisle

46. Kat Carlisle. aka Kitty Carbunkle. aka the other half of the rhythm section. A couple of years ago, I was on break on the Samarya Yoga Teacher Training intensive and feeling overwhelmed with love by the process. Sasha and I were on our way back from Leavenworth, and yeah, we'd probably done some wine tasting, but I remember listening to some Matchless music on the ride and suddenly starting to burst out crying. I said to Sasha, "You know, there are those certain people in your life, those few people, who really know every single thing about you. And they love you anyway." I was flooded with emotion and in awe of that thought. It was well before I head met Ram Dass, before I understood that message, that feeling, and more importantly, it's capacity to encourage you at the darkest of times, that idea that someone could really know everything about you, even all the ickiest parts, and just love you anyway. In that moment, in that memory, I was thinking of Kat.Kat was one of the first friends I had in Seattle who was really just my friend, not someone I met through someone else, but someone I met on my own, and who became one of the dearest, truest friends I could ever imagine. The first time I saw her, I was with Mike and his band Radialarmsaw, who were playing a show at a place I can picture but I can't remember the name of. They were opening up for 66 Saints, who at that time were just two two guitars and a drummer. I remember watching this drummer walk out, this tough, tiny, beautiful, bad ass woman, who then proceeded to shred the fuck out of the drums. I was in complete awe of her, I feel like it's really the only thing I remember from seeing that first show.So, when sometime later I picked up the phone to answer an ad for a bassist for the band, Kat was the one I was scared to meet. She just seemed so different than anyone I had ever known. And boy, was she. But, not in the way I might have thought. From the very beginning, Kat was gracious and welcoming and humble. She encouraged my playing and was patient with my learning curve, even though she had been playing in bands since high school, and usually with people who were really good, or even amazing, like Fiia McGann - another person who became incredibly important to me in that time and who I would never have known if not for Kat.Kat worked at Snorkel Stove, a place we called "Snub and Tub," and was always dedicated to her day jobs, no matter how crappy they were, so she could live the life she wanted. Her family was different than families I knew growing up - her parents were divorced and her mom let her smoke in their house, and would have these annual christmas eve parties that we loved to make part of our holiday ritual. Coming from a biracial family, Kat easily connected with people from all ethnic, social and class backgrounds and was equally connected to both her black and white cultural references. Her ability to move with ease into all kinds of social situations opened many up to her, and everyone loved Kat. In the earliest days, she was so tiny and so hardcore in her drumming, and wore these overalls that pretty much swallowed her up - the first time I ever heard the term "baby dyke" was in reference to Kat and the first Pride I ever attended was with Kat when it was still up on Broadway. Kat always had this ability to be super tough - no one better mess with her or her drums, or for that matter, anything she loves, and at the same time, so tender, so kind-hearted.I have so many memories of Kat being there for me when I most needed her - even when she struggled to just be there for herself. I remember one time when I was going through a really really tough time, and Kat just coming to me, bringing me back to her house, and lying down in bed with me, holding me like a mother would hold a child. I had never experienced that before, and I have scarcely experienced it since - that feeling of just being held by a friend who loves you unconditionally, who has nothing to say, but is willing to be there for you in the most compassionate and radical way. And then again, not so long ago, when I was agonizing over putting my beloved kitten Cassius to sleep, it was Kat that I called, although she now lives in England and I hadn't seen her in over a year. I knew that Kat would be the one who could talk me through that choice and help me to do the right thing.I have often said that playing in bands is one of the most transformative life experiences I have ever had and that it taught me more about commitment, humility and partnership than almost anything else in my life. Kat and I played together as a rhythm section in various band formations for over nine years. We got to the point where we knew exactly what the other one was going to do musically and we could easily follow and jam and connect no matter what changes either of us tried to make. We would often joke around about who had the last word - I would play a final note on the bass, and then she would hit a drum. So I would play another final note, and she would hit the drum. It was silly, but it makes me think of our whole relationship; we just keep it going, even when it seems like it could be the end - a huge fight (and oh LORD we had those), the end of a band, a transoceanic move, but we keep coming back, and when we do, we still never miss a beat.Kat and I traveled far and wide together both in 66 Saints and in Matchless, but it was with Matchless with Stuart McAteer and Kevin Bishop that we played Bumbershoot and SXSW. Whenever we would tour, the boys in the band would say, "Ok, we should sleep one boy and one girl in each bed," and Kat and I would be like, "Um. no. Girls share a bed and boys share a bed." The boys would then share their double hotel bed, both fully clothed, above the sheets, while Kat and I slept soundly in the next bed over like a couple of middle school besties.When Kat found her great love (one of many, as Kat loves love and is easy to fall in love with) and just was ready to move to England to marry, it was the first time all of us from Matchless were together in the same room in years. That night, we sat at the China Gate doing Karaoke and drinking shots of whiskey. The next morning, Sasha and I got up and ran a half marathon, although I had to peel Sasha up off the kitchen floor to get to the starting line. But that's what Kat inspires in people - the desire to celebrate, to open up, to be themselves, to connect and then to see things through.I don't think i would ever be who I am as an adult, if not for my friendship with Kat Carlisle. She is not only one of the most intelligent people I know, and the most kind-hearted people I know, and the most dedicated to music, in all forms, she is by far one of the most loyal people I know. If Kat is your friend, she will do anything and everything she can to lift you up, to remind you of your value, to drop everything and be there for you and when she gets there, she'll have whatever it is you need, whether a glass of wine, the perfect song, or the best, best words of wisdom and deep caring. She has guided me in my life more times than I could count, and perhaps most of all, if not for Kat, i don't know that I would have experienced the fullness of what making music can give you - that special relationship, that unequaled opportunity for transformation that happens from a long term commitment to a band. Through Kat, I learned I could be a musician, but also that I could be that kind of a friend, and that I could be that loved. Priceless. We always said we would get old together. Well guess what girl? That's happening! Trouble town!